The Ghost of Umbridge
by Marlicat
Summary: In this totally random adventure in which all characters are OOC, Harry, Ron, Hermione, a few OCs, and Parvati Patil, must save the world from the ghost of Umbridge, come up with a cool name for their group, and defeat Voldemort as fast as possible!
1. In Which Cardigans Attack!

**Hiya! The people in this story are all OOC and totally ridiculous. You know, I really couldn't help posting this ultimate randomness... so, enjoy!**

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Me: Hi Harry!

Harry: (emo) Voldemort killed my parents! (cuts himself)

Me: (sighs)

Somebody: BEWARE SEA-GREEN ELEPHANTS!!

Me: (giggles madly)

Hermione: (smacks bubblegum) Whatcha doin'?

Ron: Drowning in self-pity.

Harry: Speak for yourself! ...And me, while you're at it.

Me: (burps) I HATE BLUE PENCILS!

ALL: (backs away slowly)

Me: BBWWWAAAAAAAPP!!

ALL: (quickly)

Umbridge: _Your hand is not- _MEEP!

Me: ZZZZZZZAAAAPP!! (evil laugh that takes up twenty and a half lines) ... (decides it's not enough)... _Avada Kedavra!_

Umbridge: (dead) (still ugly)

Me: (burns HIDEOUS cardigan)

Cardigan: (writhes in bonfire and tries to attack)

Me: (shudders)

Parvati Patil: My blood turned cold.

Harry: Cho cries too much. (cuts himself)

Hermione: UGH! This book is SO STUPID! (throws in bonfire)

Megan: Harry Potter is cute!!!!!

Hermione: WTF r u a friggin prep i hate preps!1!!1

Megan: I am not; look in the mirror. But at least I don't have the hotts for Ron!

Me: And at least _she:_

a) isn't OOC

b) doesn't say, "!1!!1"

Harry: Hermione burnt a book! The world is finally ending! (cuts arm)

Megan: Don't do that! You are too cute, and anyways _Dumbridge_ made you do that enough! (no respect for the dead) ... (in this case, none needed)

Hermione: Plus-

Me: PLUS!? In my Language Arts class, if you said 'plus', you'd be eaten for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and fourthmeal WITHOUT ANY TACO BELL CHIHAUHAU!!!!!!!

Ron: Muahahahaaaaa!!!!

Me: You too, ickle Ronnikins!

Ron: NOOOOOO!! I LOVE THE TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA!

Person A: He was fired years ago...

Me: (glares) coughNO HE WASN'T!cough

Person A: MEEP!

Person B: So HA!

Me: People with letters after their names aren't allowed! Only "Random Persons", or 'Somebodies'!

Megan: HaHA!

Persons A and B: Awwwwwww!

Person B: But you're funny!

Me: I know. Oh, alright, you guys can stay.

Persons A and B: YAAAAAYY!

Umbridge's Ghost: _Your hands are not UP! Detentions for you all!_

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: I hate you. Okay everybody! We have to SAVE THE WORLD FROM UMBRIDGE! _ARE YOU WITH ME!?!_

Everyone else: (whimpers pathetically)

Megan: I'm in! Nobody, except maybe Voldemort and Death Eaters, deserve eternal detentions!

Everyone: True, true...

Persons A and B: We'll help you.

Me: Harry, Ron, Hermione! You guys have fought against Voldemort since your first year at Hogwarts!

Hermione: Yah, we can handle that bitch's ghost! (spits out gum at ghost)

Harry: I'll turn Umbridge emo!

Ron: WHOOT!

Megan: Yeah, there we go!

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**Okay peoples: Person A is my friend Allamonalla person B is my friend BatTitan, and they will be mentioned as so in the next chapter.**

**_The group has their courage gathered, but will they be able to keep Umbridge from giving the world detentions, defeat Voldemort, AND come up with a super-cool name in the next five chapters!?! Dunh Dunh DUUUUUNNNHHH!!!_**

Love ya!

Marlicat


	2. The Naming

**Hi! For those of you who are reading my other story, Charged, it's NOT on hiatus, I'm just typing up an extremely long chapter. This story, is, like, stress relief mixed with an idea that's been in my head forever. Sad, isn't it?**

**In this chapter, the matter of a name for their group pops up.**

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Me: Alright. Before we SAVE THE WORLD FROM UMBRIDGE'S GHOST -(dramatic music)- we need to come up with a super cool name for our group!

Allamonalla: How about, 'The People Who Are Going To Get Rid Of Umbridge's Ghost Who Are Harry, Ron, Hermione, Parvati, Allamonalla, BatTitan, Marlicat, Megan, Somebodies, And Random Persons.'

Me: Nah. I don't like the order of the names.

Alla: I hear you. We should've been at the front.

BatTitan: I know! 'The Super-Cool Group Of People Who Are Gonna Get Rid Of That Umbridge's Ghostie!'

Me: No hyphens.

Bat: Hmm... (thinking position)

Salesmen Guys: (alarm and confetti) Well He-h-ello! Where's BatTitan? She's the first person to successfully acheive the cross-legged thinking position STANDING UP!! She won TEN _MILLION_ DOLLARS!!

Me: (takes money) Thank you. (punts salesmen guys) Well, at least we don't have to worry about funding.

Megan: I have a name! 'The Now Ultra-Rich Umbridge And Umbridge's Ghost Haters!'

Me: Didn't you peoples hear me when I said NO HYPHENS?! 'Cuz hyphens are uncool. That's why I punted the salesmen instead of just magically transporting them. (sniff) 'Cross-legged!' The nerve!

Harry: How about: 'The Marauders'?

Megan: I like that name better.

Me: Um, TAKEN!!

Ron: ' Dumbledore's Army!'

Me: (withering look) _So_ original. (sarcastic, peoples!)

Parvati: We could use 'Umbridge's Murderers.'

Me: I think that's a maybe. No hyphens or anything stupid like that.

Allamonalla: It's okay... but I think we should go for something... _STELLAR!!_ And anyways, the abreviation for that would be 'The UM.' We'd be teased if we used that for a code name. It's like spew. (Hermione glares)

BatTitan and Me(I?): I like the story about the bat named Stellaluna!

Me: That was my favorite story when I was 'widdle!'

BatTitan: But not a good group name...

Me: No, I guess not.

Megan: We could be called 'The Harry Potter Fanclub!'

Me: Except we're NOT, Megan! We're trying to get rid of an evil ghost!

Everyone: (silent as they think)

Hermione: (no longer OOC) How about the Organization for Destroying Umbridge's Ghost?

Random Gangsta: Yea-ah! We could be the O-DOG's!

Everybody: (sweatdrop)

Hermione: Yeah... never mind.

Harry: Being emo sucks! (cuts himself)...(rubs arm) ...A lot! (no longer emo)

Megan: By Golly, I think I've got it! We should use, "Everyone Hates Umbitch But We do Especially So When She Tried to Give Us Detentions We Killed Her And Now Her Ghost Is Giving Out Eternal Detentions So We're Seeking A Way To Stop Her Ghost But We Are Having Several Difficulties!' EHUBWDEWSTTGUDWKHANHGIGOEDSWSAWTSHGBWAHSD for short.

Me: No. It would have been cool if it spelled 'Supercalifragilistic Expialidocious' though.

BatTitan: Yeah.

Random Kid: How about the 'Power Rangers!'

Allamonalla: (twitch) Let's just call ourselves 'The Silver Crusaders!'

Me: That's excellent, Alla!

BatTitan: Creative.

Harry: All for 'The Silver Crusaders,' say 'AYE!'

Everybody: AYE!

Me: And so now we be dubbed, 'The Silver Crusaders!' The SC for short.

Hermione: Now that's over with, can we _go?!_

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**Well, I hope you laughed, but if you cracked a rib, I just want you to know I deny all responsibility and you should get to a hospital.**

**Marlicat**


	3. The Geek Squad in Diagon Alley

**Hullo! I hope you don't mind, but if you're reading this, I might ask you to enjoy it, too. R&R!**

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_(The Silver Crusaders are walking in Diagon Alley, shopping for supplies.)_

Me: Okay, we need to be fast, so we'll have to split up. Harry, Ron, Hermione-

Someone: Hey! Can we come with you?

Everyone: (looks)

Bat: It's Ginny, Neville, Luna, Dean, and... Seamus, looks like.

Me: Why should they come?

Allamonalla: Why not?

Me: (huff) Fine. So Harry, Ron, Seamus, Neville, and Dean, go get food and supplies for traveling and battle... after we fix our money problem.

Megan: What problem? We have ten million dollars!

Me: Exactly. _Dollars. _American Muggle money. Raise your hand if you're super-smarticle!

Random Geeks: (hands raise)

Me: Whoo! Go geeks! Great. Well, you need to go change all this money to galleons, sickles, and knuts. Kay?

Geek Leader: Yes ma'am!

Me: Heh. Ma'am.

Harry: Who's the leader of this group anyways?

Hermione: I think we should have a sort of democracy, with Marli and Harry as two balanced out leaders.

Ginny: All in agreement with that fine idea, say, "Aye!"

All: AYE!

Me: GEEK SQUAD! GO, GO, GO! WE WILL WAIT AT THE LEAKY CAULDRON!

Geek Squad: GOING, GOING, GOING, MA'AM! (salutes, and Apparate away with the money)

Alla: Don't you think we might be waiting a while?

Me: They're smart geeks. TO THE LEAKY CAULDRON!

.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.

_(One hundred bloody years have passed waiting for the Geek Squad. Everybody has beards, but Harry's is the longest)_

_(No it bloody well is not! My beard is lots longer!)_

_(No it isn't! You hardly have-)_

_**(Don't argue. He needs to beat me at something in order for him to have any self esteem.)**_

**_JUST JOKING, SUCKERS! WHAT BLOODY IDIOT WOULD BELIEVE THAT?!_**

_(Don't answer that, 'kay?)_

_.. ... .. ... .. (AW! KITTIES) ALL: (sweatdrop)_

_(Ten _seconds _later. We didn't even get to order our butterbeers.)_

Me: Told you they were smart geeks.

Alla: Why did I ever doubt you? (with just a hint of sarcasm)

Bat: Uh, maybe 'cuz she's... I dunno, INSANE!?!

Me: (glares)

Geek Squad: MA'AM! TEN MILLION DOLLARS OF AMERICAN MUGGLE CURRENCY HAS NOW BEEN TRANSLATED INTO FIFTEEN MILLION GALLEONS!

Geek: And a Knut.

Head Geek: IN CAPITAL LETTERS, SOLDIER!

Geek: SIR, YES SIR! AND A KNUT!

Everyone: (stunned silence)

Ron: Fifteen _million _bloody _Galleons!?!_

Head Geek: SIR, YES SIR!

Megan: Wow. That is a _lot_ of money!

Me: Yah! So, groups! Harry, Ron, Neville, Seamus, and Dean, go get food and supplies for traveling and battle- go!

_(They leave with one-forth of the money)_

Me: GO GIR!! WHOO! Heh. Anyways. Nameless people, go find things for storing!

_(They leave with another fourth of the money)_

Me: Well, the rest of us are going to o to the Pet Emporium, then SHOPPING! What can I say? I'm not really preppy or anything, but even _I _get these urges sometimes. And you can never have enough flip-flops. But that's not my point. Come on!

_(We leave with the rest of the money, which is more than the other groups had because they got FOURTHS, and according to my calculations, we got half! )_

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**SHOPPING SPREE! WHOOO! GO GIR! (from Invader Zim) GIR IS MY IDOL!!**

**Love,**

**Marlicat**


	4. Pixie's Grammar

**Hiiii! Ya know, I just realized this story needed updating! Much thanks to:**

**Allamonalla,**

**BatTitan,**

**Soul of Black,**

**and, of course, my reviewers!**

**Advertisement:**

**Lady Lily: Lily Evans was the daughter of a rich lord, but, tired of having everything handed to her by some guy, she ran away. Then she was rescued by the Marauders, who taught her to fight, act like a peasant, and survive on little. And to her surprise, somewhere among the swordfights and betrayal, she finds herself falling in love.**

**The Baby Assignment: Draco and Pansy have to take care of a 'baby' as a school assigment. The reward for the best cared for baby is no Potions homework for the rest of term! Will their baby, 'Scorpius', win?**

**Every Other Midnight: Head Girl Lily Evans is the new adoptive mother of a baby unicorn named Mercury. Lily herself is an orphan too, her parents killed by Death Eaters. Hagrid and her Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, James Potter, take turns walking her down to the hut to feed it, and Lily finds herself first befriending, then falling in love with, her much-lusted-after (by other girls) DADA Professor. Does he return her feelings?**

**Ruling You: The Marauders are the richest, most good-looking guys in the school. But they're also the cruelest. Anyone who insultsthem in any way recieves a red rose that wilts at their touch, and is totally deserted by their friends. So when Lily offends them, her life is over. She can't fight them, can she?**

Me: Okay, Pet Emporium! Alla, you wanted a kitty, right?

Alla: (cute voice) Isha kitty.

Me: Yup. And, we enter.

Alla: Ohh, lookit! (points at a short-furred silver cat)

Me: GAH! Hyphen!

Bat: (Withering look) It's just a hyphen, you nutter.

Me: They give me nightmares. On purpose.

Megan: Riiiiiiight...

Bat: (at Megan) You're a lot different when Harry's not around.

Megan: (sigh) Harry...

Bat: ...

Me: ...

Megan: ...

Ginny: ...

Luna: ... (I think Hushgugs have stolen our voice boxes.)

Hermione: ...

Alla: ...

Alla: ... ISHA KITTY!

Me: (points at the silver cat) How much?

Sales Clerk Person: A Galleon and nine Sickles.

Me: (pays) Any recommended care products?

SCP: (dumps items on the counter) Well, here's a bag of cat treats that has yet to displease any cat, a small parcel of catnip, a weightless two gallon container full of the best dry cat food we have, a portable cat bed with odorless self-emptying litterbox, and this toy mouse. You can have it all for eight Galleons.

Me: Sure. (pays) Thanks!

Bat: So, what're you gonna name the kitty, Alla?

Alla: ISHA KITTY! (hugs cat)

All: (sweatdrop)

Megan: I don't think you should name it Isha Kitty...

Alla: But it is a kitty.

Me: We know that.

Alla: Oh. Welllll, then I'll name it Pixie Dust! Pixie for short.

Me: ...I guess it is your cat...

Pixie: Meow.

Me: That was the most un-cat-like meow I've ever heard. (Chokes on hyphens)

Bat: (pats Marli's back until she breathes normally again)

Pixie: Um, _meow?!_

Me: That's not even a word in Cat! I know! I speak it fluently!

Random Prep: Freak.

Me: GAH! PREP! DIIIIIIEEEEE! ( pulls out machine gun and violently murders the prep)

Bat: You're gonna get sent to Azkaban!

Me: (shifty eyes) There were no witnesses.

Bat: WHADDAYA MEAN NO BLOODY WITNESSES!? WE'RE IN THE BLOODY MIDDLE OF DIAGON BLOODY ALLEY!!

Pixie: That's repetition of the same word! Baaaad kit!

Me: (holds up machine gun at witnesses) There were NO witnesses. That prep never even existed.

Witnesses: (nod frantically)

Alla: Awwww, Pixie can correct grammar!

All: (stares)

Pixie: Awwww isn't in the dictionary, kit.

Alla: (scratches Pixie's ears)

Pixie: But what do I know! I'm just... (purr) a... (puurrrr) cat... (_PURRRRRRRRR)_

Alla: Isha a sweeeeet Pixie. Isha good girl, isn't she. Yeah, yeah.

Pixie: A very good Pixie... (purr)

Ginny: Anyways... shopping!

Luna: But we'll have to make sure nothing we buy is infested with Mookles.

Me: Of course! Mookles are so _rude!_

Bat: What are Mookles? Neopets?

Megan: Don't be ridiculous. Neopets are cute. Mookles are... well, not.

Ginny: Neopets?

Alla: Muggle thing.

Ginny: Oh.

Me: (annoyed) Can we go now?

Luna: Where?

Me: Mmmmm... (gasp) Quidditch! We, er, _need_ some good brooms.

_(Later, Elsewhere)_

Me: What's the best broom you have?

Annoyed Clerk: The Firebolt, of course.

Me: How much is it?

AC: More than you can afford.

Me: How much?

AC: Two hundred fifty Galleons.

Me: We'll take... (turns around and counts) ... seven.

AC: _SEVEN?! _You can't afford seven Firebolts!

Me: Yes I can. But if you won't sell them, I'll go somewhere else.

AC: (Hands Marli seven Firebolts) That's one thousand seven hundred fifty Galleons.

Me: Great. (pays up some pretty money; leaves shop)

Me: (hands out Firebolts)

Hermione: You shouldn't have bought me one. I can't fly very well.

Bat: You don't need to. However, I imagine Harry and Ron and the other guys have made sure they had their own brooms. We may need them. So, where next?

Me: Um... a place.

Alla: What place?

Me: I dunno. Let's just walk, and if we see something we want, buy it!

**I hope you liked it! Alla, sorry if you have something against the name Pixie, or didn't want a pretty silver grammatically correct kitty.**

**Love,**

**Marli **


	5. Caty

**Hi! Did you know my mom's a teacher?**

**Disclaimer: Don't own it. Simple as that, really. I'd say 'simple as pie', but did you know, pie is actually very, VERY, hard to make?!**

**Anyways. Caty, it took me FOREVER to figure out how to put your character in here! But I did it and I am proud of it and I hope you don't hate it awfully.**

**--Hai, from the lolkitehs--**

Me: (After puttering around the shops in Diagon Alley, everyone else in tow, for half an hour, suddenly stops dead) Well, would you look at that!

Alla: (glances around) What?

Me: Look! (points) A Muggle Weapons Shop! (laughs)

Bat: In Diagon Alley? The owner's _trying _to get murdered in their sleep by Voldemort!

Pixie: In _his or her _sleep, kit.

Alla: So sweet and smart and perfect! (wuzzles cat)

Pixie: PUUUUUUURRRRRRRRR!

Ginny: Merlin! We're being attacked by a dragon!

Hermione: I believe that's Pixie.

Luna: Or it could be that Pixie's been posessed by a Grumble-Snug.

Hermione: (Dryly) Or it could be not.

Bat: Who cares? Let's go in!

Me: (Excitedly opens heavy wooden door to find a dusty, dimly-lit room)

Alla: Hello? Anyone here?

Voice: I am. Over here.

Everyone: (Swing heads in the direction of the cashier's counter)

Hermione: (Confused) No one's there.

Voice: I'm a bit low, the counter's a bit high, the stool is always running off when it sees customers at the door 'cause it's shy- doesn't mean I'm not there.

Hermione: Oh. Who are you?

(A person comes out from behind the counter. Upon sight, you can see she has tanned skin, brown eyes, and dark brown hair. And she IS very short.)

Owner: I'm Catherina- you can call me Caty.

Me: Hi, Caty.

Caty: Yeah. It's been a long time since someone came in here. I was surprised when my stool ran for cover in the backroom. So what's your business?

Me: I'm Marli. Behind me are Bat, Alla, Hermione, Luna, Ginny, and other random peoples who are insignificant. We were curious when we saw your shop and really just wanted to know ARE YOU INSANE!?

Caty: 'Scuze me?

Me: VOLDEMORT'S GOING TO MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP! Or when you're awake, BUT THAT'S NOT RELEVANT!

Caty: Don't be silly. My stool will protect me.

Me: Your stool will- stool- from- Voldemort- by a _stool_-

Caty: Yup.

Bat: Well, what do you have?

Caty: Well, most of the things I have are... less than modern, but-

Me: SQUEEE! Goodie! Show me! Show me show me show me show me show me!

Caty: Wow! Enthusiastic.

Aathel: Yeah. I'll bet that she hasn't held a proper sword since she took a vacation. Look at her in this poor, weakened state.

Me: Where'd you come from?

Aathel: Dunno, don't care. Bye. (disappears)

Me: Bye.

Hermione: You don't care that your best friend that you haven't seen since forever just randomly appeared and disappeared in the blink of an eye?!

Me: She's done stranger things.

Luna: Really?

Me: Mm-hmm. Weapons please?!

Caty: Okay! (leads them to the back of the store.) Swords, you wanted? Try out a few.

Me: (Picks up a sword with a sapphire-encrusted hilt) Ugh. Disgustingly light. What is this made out of, tin foil? (Tries a two-handed broadsword) Nice, I guess, but I like having a hand free for -details- when I fight. Not that anyone _knows _how to use a sword anymore. Just recklessly swinging their weapon around like complete idiots-

Caty: Hey, would I sell a weapon I don't know how to use?

Me: (hugs Caty) You are my hero, you are a genius, you are a miracle!

Caty: (Pleasantly surprised) Well. Thanks. Try this one.

Me: Nice. Love the pattern on the hilt. Kind of light, I guess, but that's hardly going to cause much of a problem, and it'll feel good having a sword again...

Bat: (amused) She's talking herself into buying it.

Alla: Let's leave her to her shiny sharpies and-

Me: (bouncing excitedly) How much is it?!

Caty: Well, since you're so genuinely excited, and I've got almost no customers, I'll make you a deal- ten Galleons and a space in your adventure.

Hermione: How did you know we're going somewhere?!

Caty: Well, now I know for sure. But the supplies made it pretty obvious.

Hermione: Oh.

Luna: I thought you were smart.

Me: She is. (pays) I need the scabbard, Caty.

Caty: (hands over scabbard)

Ginny: Come on! We need to go or we're going to be late meeting the Geeks and the guys.

Caty: Yeah! Let me pack up- (waves wand and everything lurches to the middle of the room, where it disappears magically into a small purse.) -now, you have to introduce me to the rest of your group.

-MCR-HM/MC-AL-VC-HD-

Me: Hi guys!

GEEK LEADER: MA'AM!

Harry: Hullo. Where've you been?

Me: Caty's store. For Muggle weapons. She's coming with us now, finally having realized that a Muggle shop is not a very good shop to have open in the middle of Diagon Alley when Voldemort is walking free killing people.

Ron: Wow.

Caty: _Harry Potter?! _Cool! I'm going on an adven- (lowers voice) an adventure with Harry Potter!

Harry: (flustered and out of his element) Erm, why would you bring someone into the group without checking their background and with everyone else?

Me: 'Cause she offered this awesome sword in trade for ten Galleons and a space in our adventure and I like swords.

Harry: Wonderful.

Me: I know, isn't it?

Alla: So what're we doing first? Hunting or excorcising?

Harry: We'll have to decide this later, somewhere where no one can overhear us.

Bat: I have an idea. It'll involve some work, but it's good, I think.

Hermione: As Harry said, we need to discuss this later.

Ron: Somewhere private, mate.

Seamus: Okay. But I say we should get some rooms and turn in for tonight.

Luna: After we make sure there aren't any Bedbugs.

Dean: Another one of your father's illusions?

Hermione: No... bedbugs are real.

Everyone: HERMIONE AGREED WITH LUNA! (faint dead from shock)

**I hope you enjoyed it! More randomness next chapter, so review and make me and the lolkitehs happy!**

**Marlicat**


	6. A Lack of Random Things

**Hullo! ****I'm back; love me!**

**Advertisements: **

**Speechless: Lily Evans has never really gotten along with James Potter. Of course, James is head over heels for her nonetheless, but Lily wants a real relationship she knows he can't provide. But will that change when she loses her voice in a Potions accident?**

Harry: So what was your idea, BatTitan?

Bat:(shrugs) Didn't have one. I say we go after Umbridge first, though.

Me: All in favor, say 'Aye!'

All in Favor: I!

Pixie: Nonononono! 'Aye!', not 'I!'

All in Favor: Oh. Aye!

GEEKS: AYE!! MA'AM!

Alla: PIXIE! AWW! SHE CORRECTED GRAMMAR AGAIN!

Luna: Because Umbridge's ghost could cause us all kinds of problems if we go after Voldemort first.

Hermione: STOP BEING SENSIBLE!! THAT'S MY JOB!!

Luna: Meep! (hides)

Hermione: (bites popsicle) So, how are we going to excorcise Umbridge?

Everyone: (stares)

Me: You mean you don't know how?!

Hermione: Why would I know something like that?

Ginny: 'Cause you're Hermione!

Me: We are so screwed.

Dean: Hermione, why don't you know that?

Hermione: It's simple really: Because in the summary of this story it says all characters ar OOC, but Marlicat, the author, quickly tired of that and instead decided that instead we would all have random OOC moments. (finishes popsicle) This is one of mine. (starts crying) Dammit, why don't I have any self-control?! I shouldn't have eaten that popsicle! Now I'm going to be fat and Ron won't love me! (sniffle) I know, it's pathetic. (back to normal) But the author doesn't know when these will strike any more than we do, so watch out.

Caty: I guess the OC's are safe, then?

Ron: I wouldn't assume anything, were I you. (haughty) Though, thankfully, I'm not you.

Caty: _Hey!_

Ron: Sorry, OOC-ness again. Someone really oughtta tell the author this isn't funny.

Me: Author says it isn't her fault it isn't funny, she doesn't know what is wrong. She doesn't feel random anymore. Go screw yourselves, she says. In fact, the author now states that she is taking a vacation in Zimbabwe with the hopes of regaining her randomness; the characters may now all run around in a panic like chickens without heads.

Seamus: Or characters without authors.

Me: Yup. Bye, she says.

Everyone: (cries)

Someone: Oh no!

Random Person: What're we gonna DO!

Somebody: Nothing! We're _plotless!_

Ron: (faints)

Harry: (OOC) Sissy.

GEEKS: WE HAVE A SUGGESTION, SIRS AND MA'AMS!

Harry: What?

GEEKS: WE CEASE TO EXIST UNTIL THE AUTHOR RETURNS FROM ZIMBABWE, SIR! HOPEFULLY WITH HER RANDOMNESS SO WE MAY CONTINUE, SIR!

Everyone: (sighs) Okay.

Hermione: Not like we can do anything else without an author.

**(CEASES TO EXIST)**

**Yes, people, I am sorry to say that The Ghost of Umbridge is on hiatus. (sob) I fear I may have lost my randomness, so I must go and find it!**

**Love, sadness, and long, randomnessless, sleepless, nights,**

**Nameless until she has found her Randomness**


	7. The Greatest Evil of All

**Hi! For the record, I don't own Harry Potter. Neither am I affiliated in anyways with the band Secondhand Serenade, or in the possession of the rights to their song "Fall For You" or any of the albums they have created. Same deal for "Run to the Hills" by, I think, Iron Maiden. I hate that song, actually. Or Doritos, Pepsi, or Coca-Cola. Or Disney and any of their productions. I just don't own any of it. Except Marli, Aathel, Dion and crew, and by means of technical ownership in the fictuous world, my best friend, Megan. But she's really her own person. I think that covers it.**

Marli: Hey, look! It's the randomness!

RANDOMNESS!: Silver ketchup and wasp brains! My favorite!

All: Yaaaaaaayyyy!

Marli: Yes, celebration. Now, randomness! Apply yourself to our scripts!

RANDOMNESS!: (mutters) Stupid practice target.

Marli: Printers!

Megan: B-I-N-G-O!

Harry: _'Cuz a girl like you is impossible to find, you're impossible to find._

Bat: I suddenly want to make a birdhouse and sing that one song from Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. You know, the one where she's by the well and all.

Alla: Ice Cream.

Luna: Goodnight, moon...

Hermione: NARGLES!

Dean: (gape)

Seamus: Coca-Cola all the way!

Ginny: No, Pepsi! (turns to Author) What's Pepsi?

Neville: Anyone wants Doritos?

Caty: Hand lotion.

Someone: ("Jaws" theme) _WHAM! _

Marli: Someone, why did you just wham?

Someone: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! I AM WRITER'S BLOCK!

Marli: Run to the hills! Run for your life! (shrieks) (runs)

Megan: Oh, heavens, no, not another hiatus!

**_AUTHOR: _Yes, unfortunately. I am yet another victim of the dreaded Writer's Block. I know. Unfathomable. But, it seems that it happens to, like, everybody. Whatever. Suggestions, what you might appreciate happening next... send 'em in!**


	8. The Quest

**Writer's Block- the Ultimate Evil!!! (almost)**

Marli: (struggling in the grip of Writer's Block and shrieking profanity)

Writer's Block: (evilER laugh)

Marli: (whips out light saber and hisses)

Writer's Block: (raspberry)

Marli: (decapitates Writer's Block)

RANDOMNESS: OMG, is fulla stars!

Marli: OMG indeed.

Hermione: FTW!

Harry: (rubs forehead) TGIF...

Writer's Block's head: TTFN!

Caty: MSN. Need to check my email...

Parvati: CSI MIAMI!

Dean: pcdRFE.

Seamus: Uh... HD TV?

Everyone: (turns and stares at Seamus)

Writer's Block: (grows two heads in place of the one)

Marli: Eep!

Ginny: That's my line!

Marli: I stole it. (torches Writer's Block)

Writer's Block: I-AM-DE-FEATED! I'll get you for this, Buzz Lightye-ah!

Marli: I shouldn't be allowed near chocolate. Anyways.

Writer's Block: I'm UN-defeated!

Marli: What did I do? (glares) Don't answer that.

Megan: I'll help! (tackles Writer's Block and ties it up) Little Man! Samson! Come eat!

Writer's Block: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (is devoured by gay pugs)

Marli: Now, what the hell were we doing before all these interruptions?

**No, seriously, I've forgotten.**

Everyone: WHAAAT?!

**Freak out! Jeez, I can just read the other chapters again**!

Everyone: Hurry up!

Harry: We have the worst Author EVER.

Everyone Else: Don't say that! She'll run off and cry and not finish the story!

**Oh, yeah... you guys wanted to get Umbridge first? Or Horcruxes?**

All: Umbridge!

**Okay then. Since the magical system is obviously corrupt, you can't just go get those ghost people to order her to leave you alone. So, like, go do an old-fashioned excorcism. You can find Dumbridge's ghost hiding under my little sister's bed and stealing her Cheerio's.**

Harry: How're we supposed to get there?

**First, you must travel over the Mountain of Randomlessness!**

All: GASP!

Hermione: Wh-what next?

**And if you have the spontaneiety to survive, you must then travel on to the Valley of Pink Sparkly Girliness!!**

Everyone: (wail)

Luna: And then...?

All: NO! DON'T ASK!!

**And then... you must face off with the Dragon Guardian of Death Glare of Doom Castle, which you will have to travel through!!**

Everyone: Oh, no!!

**And then you'll see my house. My sister's room is the second one in the hallwayleft side. Whatever you do, don't go in my room, which is across from the bathroom! You'll never survive! Oh, here's this ancient book on exorcisms from the Library of Alexandria. And a map. Bye!**

All: (gone)

Dumbledore: Couldn't they have just taken a flight?

**Yes. But that wouldn't have been as funny.**

Dumbledore: (shrug) You're the author.

**I'm glad someone finally recognizes that fact.**

--

**Bye. Hoped you liked it!**

**Cat  
**


	9. A Marli in Peril

**Hullo! I'm back, you have my permission to stop crying.**

**Also, I have something of utmost importance to discuss with you: grammar. In chapter two, there was a point in which BatTitan and I spoke at the same time. Since I am writing in play format (ex. Jerry: Blah blah blah) I was unsure about what to do. So I put BatTitan and Me(I?):. I have now come to the conclusion that it would be BatTitan and I because I suppose if you used it in a sentence it would be: BatTitan and I said, "Hello!" at the same time or something like that. (Even thought the words spoken were not hello; if I remember correctly it had something to do with Stellaluna. I'll go check.**

**...**

**Yes, Stellaluna.)**

**Indeed.**

Caty: So... is this the Mountain of Randomlessness?

Me: It m-must be. I f-feel all ch-chattery, like it's really c-c-cold or all my b-bl-blood is b-being s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sucked out.

BatTitan: Oh, no! This will effect Marli in particular because her blood is mostly randomness!

Pixie: _A_ffect, not effect. Affect is a verb. Effect is a noun.

BatTitan: Oh. Affect.

Allamonalla: Pixie... aww! (scratches Pixie's head)

Pixie: (purr)

Hermione: What are we going to do? No one can survive without blood, and if Marli has randomness for blood and the randomness is being sucked out, she'll die!

Harry: There has to be something we can do! Think, Hermione, you're clever.

Ginny: Come on! Everyone, put your brains in gear!

Ron: ...

Seamus: ...

Dean: ...

Luna: Well, it's simple, isn't it?

Caty: What is?

Alla: D'you have an idiea?!

Me: (faints)

Luna: If Marli is getting randomness sucked out, and spontaneiety, and all that, then what we need to do is come up with a new word for random! Then she can think the synonym to herself and it won't get sucked out!

Ron: That's... brilliant, Luna.

Hermione: (jealous)

Luna: Well, yes it is, but we still have to think of a word! She's still _dying!_

Everyone: (realizes this) OH!

Ginny: Oh dear, yes she is! Hurry everyone, THINK!

Harry: ...

Ron: ...

Hermione: ...

Caty: ...

Alla: ...

Pixie: ...

Bat: ...

Dean: ...

Seamus: ...

Neville: ...

Luna: ...

GEEKS: !!!

HEAD GEEK: !!!

Someones: ...

Random Persons: ...

Dumbledore: ....

** ...**

Everyone: ...

Umbridge: (cackles)

Luna: How 'bout zazacience?

**No, that means 'goodbye but hello'.**

Harry: Garblefaggled?

Pixie: 'Grammarless.'

Alla: Purpaful?

Hermione: No, that describes something wonderful and purple! All of these are already used, and Marli's still dying! Come on, THINK!

Caty: What can we do?! No one can think of a suitable word fast enough!

BatTitan: She's not _breathing!_ Someone think of something!

* * *

**Yes, this is a cliffhanger. Yes, in your reviews you should send in new words for random. That is, if you wan tthe story to go on. Because without this synonym Marli will die, and since Marli and I are the same people (okay, different minds in the same body, sort of), that would be quite disastrous, no?**

**Marlicat Out**


	10. Pink Monster

**I'm back, finally!**

**

* * *

**All: ...

Luna: ...Why are we vegetables?...

Harry: Erm-- I don't like broccoli.

**You should be grateful.**

Hermione: What? Why?

Ron: A _carrot?_ Really, you can't let up on the ginger jokes for once?!

**I'm buying you time, aren't I? You were all just sitting there, panicking and letting Marli die, so I had to do something. This is your only save, though**. **Thanks, Alla, by the way, for the idea.**

Me: Whee, I'm a tomato!

Ginny: Well, Marli seems to be fine now.

**Ugh, fine. Whatever. I'll change you back. But you're in the Valley of Pink Sparkly Girliness now, so watch out.**

BatTitan: Ew. This isn't contagious, is it?

**SHA-POWW! *is gone***

Seamus: You have to admit, the Author has style.

Caty: Maybe, but whoever designed this place is obviously psychotic.

Alla: What did you expect? It's pink and sparkly and girly, just like it said it would be.

Pixie: *glancing around and sounding somewhat nervous* Good kit. Very logical.

Unknown Entity: *sinister giggle*

All: *stop in tracks and shrink in closer to each other*

Hermione: What was that?

Unknown Entity: *another, louder, sinister giggle*

Harry: Everyone be on guard! We don't know what we're up against!

All: *draw wands*

Unknown Entity: *yet another sinister giggle* Well, well, well, what have we here? *steps out from behind a giant sparkling mushroom*

All: AIYEE!

PinkBITCHMonster: *trademark sinister giggle* (to Hermione) Omigawd, do you _ever _brush your hair? *laughs loudly behind hand*

Bat: Why is she wearing so much makeup?

PinkBITCHMonster: (to BatTitan) Why _aren't_ you wearing any makeup? You could definitely use it! *laughs behind hand again*

Me: Ew. A bitch.

PinkBITCHMonster: *glares through mascara* And who are YOU. Ew. Omigawd, a fu-reak! Don't let it touch me! *trademark laugh*

Me: Omigawd! Oh noe!1! How coudl u?!1! *chortles*

Pixie: *cries* How could you do this to me, Marlicat? I thought you understood! *sob*

Me: No, I was joking to toy with this Bitch! Please forgive me, Pixie!

Harry and Ginny: *trade glances and nod*

Ginny: *holds out hand*

Harry: *supplies firehose*

Ginny: *smiles grimly, and, looking VERY badass, blasts PinkBITCHMonster*

PinkBITCHMonster: *makeup is blasted off, leaving behind something that looks like a cross between a worm, a mole, and a monkey* AAAAGH! NOOOOOO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! YOU WHORE! YOU SLUT! YOU COW! YOU WEIRD LITTLE GINGER BITCH!

Ginny: *blasts until PinkBITCHMonster melts*

PinkBITCHMonster: AAHAAAKAHAAAAUHG-- NIRK--OOFGLE--**!**

Luna: Ginny, you did it! I was getting worried there!

Ron: About what? No one makes fun of Ginny for being ginger and gets away with it.

Hermione: That's all right then, isn't it? (OOC) *eye twitch* Hat? Tinfoil hat! Where is it-- where is-- hat! My hat? WHERE--IS--MY--HAT?!

Neville: Cool. Anyone want some Peanut M&M's?

All: *clamor up to Neville for M&M's*

Me: *to side at no one, with a wink and a Russian accent* In Soviet Russia, Peanut M&M's eat you!

**So the Silver Crusaders have killed the PinkBITCHMonster... but are they TRULY free of the Valley of Pink Sparkly Girliness?! Will Pixie EVER forgive Marli for her betrayal?! Will Hermione's hat (from Soviet Russia) EVER find her?! Find out... IF YOU DARE! **

**Marlicat is out... for now... *swooshes cape and vanishes*  
**


	11. An Excess of Spanish

This latest installment to the Ghost of Umbridge features my very small cousin, Loren. He is four years old.  
It also includes many things that are no longer used, such as MySpace, Scrunchies, and manners.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, and I'm not making money from this- trust me, I'm really not- and that is why the characters are not exactly as they're supposed to be.**

* * *

Me: ZOMG, this is scary.

Gossip Raptors: *giggle sinisterly*

Ginny: The next person to giggle in a manner which I find even vaguely unpleasant gets an Avada to the face!

Gossip Raptors: *jump out in path and hiss, showing off very long, sharp teeth*

ALL: AIYEEEEEEEEE!

Gossiraptor 1: So Hermione, I hear you're leading poor Harry on...

Hermione: Oh great. At least now we know where Rita Skeeter's from.

Gossiraptor 2: Megan, did you really post on your MySpace that you want to forcefully rape Harry Potter?

Megan: *tearful* Huh? What? N-nobody even uses MySpace anymore...

Gossiraptor 3: So it's true then.

*Gossip Raptors circle Megan, ignoring rest of group*

Megan: No! I don't even have Internet access!

Gossiraptor 1: Suuuuurre...

Megan: HELP!

Seamus: HEY!

*Gossip Raptors turn to Seamus, hissing. Venom drips from teeth*

Seamus: Did you know that Viktor Krum is in a threesome with Bathilda Bagshot and Theodore Nott?

Gossip Raptors: WHAAAAAAAT?

Parvati: It's the truth. Luna walked in on them while they were going at it in her house.

Luna: They nearly wrecked Daddy's Crumple-Horned Snorkack Horn.

Gossip Raptors: OOOH-M-GEEEEEEE!

Loren: *crosses arms and puts on angry face* Is that Spanish?

Me: Loren, what are you doing in the Valley of Sparkly Pink Girliness?

Loren: Emma put Scrunchies in my hair.

Caty: Scrunchies? Who uses those anymore?

Me: Oh. Well, welcome, cousin.

Gossip Raptors: We have to tell everyone about Viktor's secret tryst!

Loren: *return of angry face* IS THAT SPANISH?

Gossiraptor 3: What? No.

Me: Yes it is, Loren.

Loren: DON'T DO THAT!

Gossip Raptors: *look at Loren and hiss collectively, then mutter amongst selves*

Me: *GAAASP* Loren, they just called you a QUESADILLA!

Loren: *VERY angry face* DON'T DOOOOOO THAT!

Gossiraptor 1: Shut up, you freaky little midget!

Caty: HEY! I wasn't even talk- oh.

Loren: DON'T DO SPAAANIISSSSSHHHHHH!

Gossip Raptors: OH MY GOD. CHILL OUT YOU LITTLE FREAK. QUESADILLA ISN'T EVEN AN INSULT.

Hermione: Oh, they've done it now.

Ron: Huh?

Allamonalla: When a four-year-old is throwing a tantrum you don't call him a quesadilla.

Pixie: Even Grammar Cats know that.

Loren: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO SPANISH! NO SPANISH! NO SPANISH! NOOO SPAAAANIIIISH!

Me: Loren, what's the best song in the world?

Loren: *stops screaming and smiles winningly* I know!

Me: Can you sing it for me? I've forgotten how it goes.

Loren: *very off key* BABY, YOU'RE A FIIIIIIIIREWORK! MAKE 'EM GO, AHH, AH, AHHH!

Gossip Raptors: NO! THATS NOT HOW IT GOOEESS!

Loren: *turns to Ginny and grabs her shirt* Do you have Firework?

Me: Loren, Ginny doesn't have an iPod.

Loren: Why not?

Ginny: What's an iPod?

Me: Does anyone truly know?

Harry: Wow. That's deep.

BatTitan: I do, actually. It's a magical object. Steve Jobs is a wizard. He's evil, though, he works for Voldemort. And for the takeover monopoly corporations of America, what with his ban on Flash.

ALL: *stare at Bat*

Me: Goddamnit, Bat, that was gonna be the new chicken or the egg!

Loren: Goddammit.

Me: Shit! *claps hand over mouth*

Loren: *giggles*

Me: Loren, don't- Oh who am I kidding? Your stupid dad has already loaded your vocabulary with little bombshells.

Loren: *solemnly* Is that Spanish?

Me: *laughs* Yes, it's Spanish.

Loren: Don't do that.

Me: Don't do that...

Loren: Don't do that, please.

Me: Okay.

Allamonalla: Marli, your cousin's so cute and raspy. Can we keep him?

Ginny: His voice is very raspy and adorable.

Me: No, he has to go back to the Middle of Nowhere so he can learn more naughty language.

ALL: *sigh* Bye, Loren!

Loren: Byyye! *pulls Scrunchies out of hair and disappears*

Pixie: Good riddance. Now I am the cutest of them all!

Me: Oh, Pixie... I'm really, truly sorry for my lack of grammar in the last chapter. I didn't mean it, honestly, I was mocking the PinkBITCHMonster's ineptitude at English. Could you possibly find it in your generous, regal, grammatically perfect heart to forgive my heinous transgressions?

Pixie: I suppose I can pardon one incident in light of your previously spotless record.

Me: *hugs Pixie* Oh thank you, thank you so much! I missed you!

Pixie: *PURRRR*

Luna: That's so sweet, the Lovebugs are swarming everywhere.

Dean: *turns warily to Hermione* Are those real, too?

Hermione: *snorts* Of course not! Honestly.

Harry: HIT THE GROUND!

ALL: *dive into the remarkably pink dirt*

Voldemort: Die, you pathetic- uh, morally uptight pricks! *pats self on back* Yeah, that was good. They're feeling that burn. *tosses package into group*

Ron: Hey! It's a pipe bomb!

Harry, Hermione, Snape, and Dumbledore: YAAAAAAAAAAAY-

Me: No, you dipshits! That's bad!

Caty: *chucks at Gossip Raptors*

Ginny: Protego!

Pipe Bomb: *explodes*

Gossip Raptors: *go flying everywhere in many pieces*

Unknown: HERMIONEEEEE!

Hermione: *gasp* Hat?

Hat: HERMIONE!

Hermione: *tearfully* Oh, Tinfoil Hat, you complete arse! Where did you go?

Hat: I was protecting conspiracy theorists from imminent mind-reading.

Hermione: Did it work?

Hat: I dunno. They're still paranoid, they wouldn't tell me. But I missed you too much, I just... I can't live without you, 'Mione!

Hermione: *hugs Hat forcefully* Don't abbreviate my name!

Harry: You got Hat back! That's fantastic, 'Mione.

Hermione: No, I mean it. Really.

Ron: Whatever, 'Mione.

Hermione: Ronald Weasley! That nickname doesn't even make sense. Do not abbreviate my name.

Ginny: Come on, 'Mione, it's not that bad.

Hermione: Ginny! You too?

Alla: Don't worry about it, Hermione. They're just being OOC. It'll pass.

Hermione: *exhales blueish smoke* Yeah, you're right. Why worry?

Neville: ...Her- Hermione? Is that... YOU?

Bat: Where did that smoke come from?

Hermione: *exhales more smoke* You're right. Why obsess over the meaningless machine of everyday life?

Bat: Seriously. She doesn't have a cigarette or a pipe or anything!

Hat: *sobs* I've finally found her again, only to lose her to- to this- hippie!

Bat: Did you miss the part where we explained that the OOCness was only temporary?

Hat: Oh.

Caty: Hey! Your names rhyme.

Hermione: Woah, man. You're right. That's deep. That's the... *exhales more blueish smoke* That's the stuff that really matters... But the universities, the corporations, the MACHINE... the man doesn't care. He just wants your money.

Caty: I... Er...

Neville: This is so weird.

Luna: I don't see what you mean, Neville. Hermione's finally thinking about things outside of what has been resolutely proven. Radish earrings, Hermione? I always keep an extra pair in case of Nargles.

Hermione: Yeah, of course, I... *blue smoke dissipates* No, I don't want your earrings, Luna! Why do you even wear those?

Luna: *disappointed* Oh. You would've made a great addition to the Order, too.

Ron: We're too young to be in the Order. They don't even tell us what's going on.

Luna: Not the Order of the PHOENIX, Ronald. The Order of the Radish. Although, I'm sure you'd be great additions to whatever that is too.

Harry: Er... Yeah, whatever. Can we focus on getting out of here for a second?

Caty: No problem. *inserts fingers in mouth and whistles shrilly*

Unknown: *clacking*

Caty: Stool! There you are?

Stool: *clacks*

Caty: What do you mean the shop was firebombed by wyverns?

Stool: *clacks*

Caty: What do you mean what do I mean by what do you mean the shop was firebombed by wyverns?

Stool: *clacks*

Caty: Oh, you were being facetious. Hmmph. Well, do you think you could lead us out of here?

Stool: *clacks down a sparkly pink path, looking back occasionally to make sure the group is following*

Harry: Er... sorry about your shop, Caty.

Caty: No, it's okay. My stool survived, and that's all that really matters.

Harry: Oh, well...

Ginny: Onward and upward, then! We're gonna bring down Umbridge!

GEEKS: YES MA'AM!

Quintavius: Yeah-maaaaaa'aaaaaam!

* * *

I'm sorry for taking forever, everyone. I hope you enjoyed this latest chapter, a result of finally getting hit by inspiration (i.e. boredom).

-Marlicat


End file.
